Fitting In

Have you ever gone to a sporting event and seen someone on the subway wearing the same jersey as you and said, “Hey”? Why’d you do that? Was it simply because they were wearing the same clothes as you?

The most basic human desire is to feel like you belong. Fitting in is important. When we see that someone supports the same team we do, we feel a sort of bond, for no other reason than that we perceive that we share something in common with them.  

Our desire to feel like we belong is so strong that we seek it out. This is what gangs offer a teenager in the inner city. With no strong family unit and no strong school bonds, a young, disenfranchised man or woman will join a gang to feel like a part of something. That sense of belonging is important to us because with a sense of belonging, with a sense that we are surrounded by people who understand us and see the world as we see it, we feel more comfortable. We feel safer. We’re even able to form bonds of trust much easier.

I recently attended Comic Con in New York City. The event, which attracts thousands of comic book, movie, anime, and manga enthusiasts from across the country and around the world, is like a big geek convention. The black sheep of their schools, families and the general population, the ones labeled misfits simply because they are a little too into graphic novels, video games and their characters, all descend upon Comic Con like Mecca.

I’m one of those black sheep. I’m one of those geeks. I love science fiction -- always have. I went to Space Camp as a kid, I have little Boba Fett busts and caricatures on my desk and I can often be heard making obscure references to or quoting lines from Star Wars. I like stories of the classic hero, of good versus evil, the ones in which the good guys wear white and the bad guys wear black… and I love a good sword fight. But I’d never been to a Comic Con before, even though I’d always wanted to.

I have friends who are majorly into the cosplay culture and have urged me to go to a convention for no other reason than to meet others like me. And so I did. I recognize, however, that there is a difference between attending and participating. I understand that to watch from the sidelines does not make you a part of the game. And so I decided that, for my first con, I was gonna go all out. I enlisted the help of a couple of friends -- my friend Miracole, who is pretty big into the cosplay world, hooked me up with an amazing costume and my friend Kendra went to the convention with me.

I went as Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe (the version I grew up with, not the modern movie version). And it was amazing. I couldn’t walk 10 feet without someone wanting to have their picture with me. Throughout the day I heard people calling out, “Hey, Snake Eyes.” Anywhere else I would have been a dork or a misfit, but at Comic Con, dressed in head-to-toe spandex, I felt comfortable. I was with people who liked me for me, for all my idiosyncratic ways.

The experience was more powerful than just a fun day at Comic Con -- this was about human nature. So often in our lives we put ourselves in uncomfortable positions because we think we have to. We go to law school or become accountants because our parents told us it would be good for us, not because we wanted to. We choose one job over another because it pays better, not because we are good fits. We offer a view of ourselves to the outside world based on what we think they want from us, not based on who we really are. We do the things that we hope will gain us acceptance all in search of that comfort, that feeling like we belong. But, ironically, all that twisting and turning actually makes us more uncomfortable.

I used to hide my geekiness. I used to cover it up for fear that others would judge me. I wanted to fit in like anyone else, so I acted the way I thought would gain me most acceptance. But this weekend, at Comic Con, I learned a big lesson. The goal is not to bend or change ourselves so we fit the norm; the goal is to find the group in which we are the norm. No matter who we are, no matter what our values or beliefs, our tastes or proclivities, there is an entire culture or subculture out there just like us. I learned that, instead of expending energy to fit into the group, it’s better to expend energy to find the group in which you fit.

This article originally appeared on askmen.com

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Comments

[swarovski rings]

Wow, the pic is you as Snake eyes. Funny, even with seeing your face, the body language is the same. Awesome that you'd share that.

[lacoste uk]

In a way or another we are all misfits, it's just a matter to develop the sensibility to recognize the same kind of misfit that you are.

Must have been an amazing experience, congrats!

[ray bans]

I agree. It becomes a quest not so much to fit in as it is to find that group of people where you can enjoy a sense of mutual appreciation and enjoyment.

[Ralph Lauren Outlet]

One's real value first lies in to what degree and what sense he set himself. of course we need to fit in the big condition of the society, but meanwhile, we need to keep our own pecular perspectives.

[_miguelferreira]

Great post Simon! I totally agree with you on this, and believe this can also apply to the business word. For instance, the goal when looking for a job should be to find a company (group) in which we can fit, and the same should apply to companies when they are looking for new staff. If more of us would take this into consideration we would have more people doing what they love, and companies would have happy people working for them and producing more.

[Dimi3limb]

In a way or another we are all misfits, it's just a matter to develop the sensibility to recognize the same kind of misfit that you are.

Must have been an amazing experience, congrats!

[Arne Tietz]

It's kind of a neurological thing, a biological inherited feeling and behaving. We are used to live in communities for 10,000s of years and it was really important for us to know where we belong (and who does not belong to the group for the reason of security). Those who were able to cooperate, who like to belong to a group cause they know (feel) that they are getting more done being a group, are those who survived and so giving their genes to the next generation.

I'm a psychologist, a software-technologist, a trainer for argentine-tango, a coach and have other roles too. And I like it belonging to each of these groups. The people in a group are thinking, feeling and behaving in quite the same way as I do. So I feel home (and secure) in each of them.
And, as you mentioned, I can be as I AM. And that gives me a feeling of easiness.

[Roisin Markham]

Great post Simon. Love the photo.
As a child I was always different. As a teenager it was almost too much to bear. Now I realize those oddities set me apart and I relish it. It is what makes me exactly who I am.
Owning that has taken many years. I love that social media lets me find stories like this.

[PeterPaluska]

Yes, well stated!

I agree. It becomes a quest not so much to fit in as it is to find that group of people where you can enjoy a sense of mutual appreciation and enjoyment.

Thanks as always, Simon!

Peter

[Veda Horner]

Your article is so true.
When I travelled to South Africa and Australia in 08 by myself I felt so alone, but when I met someone from Canada like I am it was as if were instant friends.
I never really thought about until you had mentioned it in your book.
It takes alot of courage to follow your heart and I think that is great. How Boring life would be if all us humanes dressed and acted the same.

[viagra online]

I played this game often, but for me, our creativity never stretched past trying to figure out what animal we would be. I'm still un-decided on the matter.

[Renaissancemob]

Don't know if you've seen the documentaries about Trekkies, but I have to assume it's the same thing - feeling like you belong. It's why people join the military, go to church...

[Dunsany]

Wow, the pic is you as Snake eyes. Funny, even with seeing your face, the body language is the same. Awesome that you'd share that.

[CRS]

The question is: did you get into any sword fights while you were there?

[Mark Morris]

This post makes me so happy! I've been a big fan of yours Simon since I caught you on a TED talk. I went to GENCON, a gaming convention in Indianapolis, the last couple of years and had a very similar experience. It's nice to see you can be a gamer or cosplayer and still be successful in "mainstream" life.