Re:Focus

How To Measure Success

This journey I’m on is a deeply personal one. When I put words to this thing called the Why, it completely changed the direction of my life. Not a single thing I’m doing these days -- not the speaking, not the book, not even this column -- was a part of any plan. How could they be on a plan? I couldn’t even imagine them. With all that has happened in the past few years, someone asked me a question recently that really made me think: “How will you know when you’re successful?”

I know there’s a difference between being successful and feeling successful. And if you ask me if I feel successful, the honest answer is “not yet.” By most standard measurements, I am enjoying more success now than at any other time in my life, but I still don’t feel successful. This is what makes the question so fantastic. If the goal is to feel successful, what is the measurement we should use to achieve that feeling?

The most common standard measurement is money -- our bank accounts. That’s how so many people measure their success today, so perhaps it works?

I went to an event for high-performing entrepreneurs and the question was asked of the room, “How many of you have achieved your financial goals?” Amazingly, 80% of the room raised their hand. Then the question was asked, “how many of you feel successful?” and 80% of the hands went down. This example alone shows that there is little to no connection between the standard measurement of success and the feeling of success.

I for one have never been motivated by the money. Most years, if you were to ask me how much I make, the genuine answer is that I have no clue. I usually find out the answer to that question once a year, at tax time, when my accountant tells me. And if money were the only measurement, we’d all have a number in our minds that, if we reached it, we’d stop working. And most of us don’t. No matter how much I make, I don’t want to stop working. Money doesn’t help me answer that question.

Some would argue that you’re as successful as the company you keep. Certainly there is a connection between our friends and who we are. James Fowler talked about it a couple of years ago in a piece called “Do Your Friends Make You Fat?” But can we really measure our success based simply on the company we keep? For example, are Vincent Chase’s buddies in the HBO series Entourage successful because they hang out with someone rich and famous? Most of us would say no. Sometimes the opposite happens. Sometimes spending time with someone who is perceived as “successful” can make us feel less successful. The irony is that regardless of how successful we think someone is, we don’t actually know if they feel successful.

Over the past year, I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with people I never imagined even meeting. At two events this week, for example, I shared the stage with The Tipping Point author, Malcolm Gladwell, and David Bach, author of The Automatic Millionaire, respectively. It was so exciting to spend time with them and it was fantastic to get to soak up some of their genius. I cannot dispute that having the opportunity to work with them certainly is an indicator that things are moving in the right direction, but it didn’t make me feel successful. For me, the best thing about spending time with people I admire is the opportunity to ask them questions and learn from them. Though spending time with them doesn’t make me feel successful, their ideas and their thinking absolutely contribute to making my own work better, which, of course, helps me advance. But it doesn’t yet answer the question.

My friend Georgia Hurd is not famous. She’s not rich. And she’s not yet attained the success she desires. She moved to Los Angeles to become an actress and has been working really hard to achieve her dream. She has been through some hard times. Money has been tight. Her work schedule often hurts her social life. But she perseveres. Her work ethic and her drive are amazing. She is so focused on where she wants to go. It is inspiring. After a couple of years of pushing and lots of wondering if it would ever happen, she’s starting to get some momentum. This week alone, she was called in to do a modeling job for American Apparel, she had some fantastic auditions and people are starting to take notice of her. What Georgia has found is momentum. It is that momentum that makes her feel good. It is the momentum that makes her feel successful.

This is my measurement: momentum. That’s what I want to track and measure. Money and the people I meet are stepping stones, indicators that momentum is building -- but it is the momentum that makes me feel good.

Studies show that over 90% of Americans don’t feel fulfilled by their work. Think about that. The vast majority of Americans go home at the end of the day without the feeling of success. I imagine a world in which that statistic is reversed. That most people go to work every day to a job they love and go home at the end of the day feeling fulfilled. That’s the world I’m working to build. My contribution is to share a message that can help make that dream a reality. But only when others join me in this cause; to help spread the message; to build the companies that people love to work for; and to choose jobs based on how the job makes them feel, not simply how much it pays, will this dream become a reality.

I know momentum is building. That, more than any other measurement, makes me feel successful. So what of the original question, “How will you know when you’re successful?” The answer:  When I reach a level of momentum when the movement can advance without me -- then I will feel successful.

 

This piece originally appeared on askmen.com

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To Find The Truth, Look Somewhere Else

So the parable goes, five blind men were shown an elephant and asked what they “saw.”  The first blind man, standing in front of the elephant, carefully examined the trunk.  "It’s a large hosepipe," he reported.  The second blind man, standing at the back of the elephant, examined the tail and reported that it was a brush made up of long, wiry strands.  The third blind man, standing at the side of the elephant said that, without a doubt, what he was standing before was a large leather wall.  The fourth blind man, examining the elephant’s ear said that he believed he was standing before some sort of sailing vessel because of the large, durable sail he could feel.  The fifth blind man, standing at one of the elephant’s legs, was convinced he was standing next to a tree trunk.

When each heard the other report what the object before them was, each blind man argued from their own perspective and their own experience.  And argue they did.  They mocked the intelligence of, and insulted each other.  They called each other fools.  And when they heard each other’s arguments, they would reexamine their own perspectives to prove to themselves that they were right and the others were clearly mad.  After all, the evidence proved it. 

The truth, plainly, cannot be revealed from a single perspective.  The failing of each blind man was not the quality of their own examinations.  It was not a problem of intelligence. The problem was that none of them changed where they stood.  None of them asked to trade spaces with another. None tried to understand the perspective of the others. Worse still, the more heated the debate, the more entrenched they became in their own perspective and the more they saw themselves as the voice of truth.

The saddest part of this little story is that none of them, not a single one, could actually see the truth of what stood plainly before them.  None could see the elephant. They were all completely blind.

It turns out having sight makes us no less blind.  We all only see the world from our own perspectives.  We all assess the “truth” based on our own experiences.  And when we argue, we don’t ask questions, we don’t listen, we don’t seek to understand the reason why someone would so vehemently disagree with us.  Instead we dismiss them as fools and press forward based on our perception.

This polarization of truths is happening in our society right now. Just look at how divided politics has become. Politicans are becomig more and more polarized in their views in an attempt to rally passion in order to get elected. But politicians are a weather vein of our population. The reason politics is becoming more angry, more negative and more polarized is not because of the politicians…it’s because of us.

And don’t blame the media, either. They too only respond to what we demand. They are in business.  Their job is to increase ratings so they can sell more advertising – that’s their business model. As the population becomes more polarized, they will produce more polarized programming and invest in more polarizing personalities that appeal to one of the poles.  The more polarizing programming that exists, the more each end of the spectrum gains more proof, more fodder to reinforce their own, single perspective.

James Fallows, UCSD professor and author of Connected, reports that our media consumption has become intensely polarized.  His data is overwhelming.  The right only watch right leaning news and the left only watch left leaning news.  There is very little cross viewing.  In other words, to prove to ourselves that our side is right, we seek not to see what the other side sees, instead we only want to listen to those who already share our perspective. To reinforce our version of the truth. I mean, “truth.”

For those who understand that something doesn’t feel right, we criticize politics or the media. And for all the influence that politicians and the media have, it is we who must change. If we change, they will follow and not the other way around.

If we want to leave our country in better shape than we found it, if we seek to rebuild our economy, figure out social security, confront the threats of our enemies and once again become a beacon of light to the rest of the world, then it is we that must open our eyes and try to listen, learn and understand what the others can see.  We must all be anthropologists.  We must all set out, not to impose our beliefs on each other, not to beat them with our version of  the truth, but to understand the reasons they have the beliefs they do. We must set out to understand.

If you’re left of center, try to understand the perspective of those on the other side of the spectrum. Don’t get mad.  Don’t insult their intelligence.  Just listen.  Try to understand the perspective from which they are looking at the elephant. 

If you are right of center, try to understand the perspective of those on the other side of the spectrum also.  Don’t get mad.  Don’t insult their intelligence.  Just listen.  Try to understand the perspective from which they are looking at the elephant.

If enough of us do this, we may just see this country for what it is.  A large, majestic animal.  Strong and powerful. America is more than what we see from one or two perspectives. There is much more there that we can't see.  This is more than idealism, this is practical advice.  After all, how will we know what’s best for the elephant if we can’t even see that it is an elephant that is standing before us?

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