You arrive at a meeting but you forgot to bring a pen. It's not the worst thing that could have happened, but it may be a little embarrassing. You get a break, however, the person with whom you are meeting excuses himself for a minute and leaves the room. There is a cup of pens on his desk, so you help yourself to one of them. They are not expensive pens, just your run-of-the-mill disposable pens that he probably picked up from the supply cabinet. You know it's not a big deal, it's not really stealing, he won't miss it. You just need a pen.
The gentleman with whom you are meeting returns and sits back down at his desk and the meeting commences. And there you are, with your pen, ready for the meeting.
But there's a problem. The pen's not yours. You took it. You're using it. But it doesn't belong to you. Even though you know it's not a big deal, you KNOW it's not yours. One of three things will likely happen:
- Fearing that he will notice that you took his pen and say something that could create an awkward situation, you take notes on your lap to keep the pen out of sight.
- You take notes as normal, but you still hope that he doesn't say anything for fear of being caught.
- You say something as soon as he arrives back. Something like, "I hope you don't mind, I took one of your pens." To which he will likely reply, "no problem, let me know if you need anything else." Your guilt relieved, the meeting can continue in a more productive manner.
There is a difference between being given something and taking it. When we take things, even if the item being taken is of no consequence, we know it does not belong to us. Even if you left with the pen, you know it is still not your pen. But if something is given to you, then that thing becomes yours. You earned it and it creates the feeling of belonging.
The same is true for things bigger than pens. When we push others a side for a job or to get recognition, we took the recognition, we weren't given it. Even if we did the work required for it, the fact remains, we still took it. This creates the feeling of fear that others will know. We may become a little defensive when others challenge us. Worse, the fear of being caught may become the motivation for how we act moving forward. We've all worked for people like this. They may have achieved something but it's no fun for the rest of us
However, when we focus on the work at hand and not on the reward and are given a promotion or bonus as a reward, as a symbol of gratitude, then that bonus belongs to us. We earned it. We are less bothered if someone challenges us because we know that the bonus belongs to us. After all, it was given and we didn't just take it.
When we fixate on the reward, we will stop at nothing to get it. But that reward will never really belong to us. We just took it. However, when we fixate on the reason we come to work, if we fixate on simply being the best at what we do, we do not set out to best anyone else but ourselves. Fear, as a motivator, declines and confidence goes up. We are better able to take joy in the success of others and feel vastly more fulfilled when we are given something.
This dynamic exists in almost every situation where we can "get" something. We can take clients by beating our competitor's price, for example, or we can be given the business because the client feels more confident working with us regardless of the price. In both cases we get the bonus, the promotion, the job or the business, but in only one case does it belong to us.
By the way, I noticed you don't have a pen...please, take mine.
